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Wednesday, August 19th, 2009
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8:58 pm - Eh..
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Wow, it doesn't seem like I'd been dealing with Perk's issues since May.. Well, we're still working on that. Today she had a test for Cushing's. I should hear on Fridayish whether she has it or not. If not, the vet's next guess is diabetes insipidus, which is essentially "water" diabetes instead of "sugar" diabetes. I'd just be happy at this point to know what's going on. Graham finally got neutered today. Sienna died unexpectedly on the.. 4th? I don't know what happened, she was only three. I miss hearing her squeal at me every night.
Um. I am still training as a groomer. I just got a raise. It'll be awhile before I can work on commission because, well, at this point I'd be rather poor doing that. Not that I make an impressive amount of money right now, but I'm not looking to get rich here. I only wish I had enough to get an apartment or something. Maybe I could manage it if I had a roommate, but I just couldn't stand living with some random stranger, and I don't have any real friends in the area.
I feel like I've just.. stagnated in my life. I dunno. I think I could be content enough, if I could just get back the ability to feel. I feel damn near robotic sometimes anymore. My focus is shot. My emotional level is very flat. "Happy" is just a brief lift in that flat line, "sad" a brief dip. Nothing truly grips me any more, nothing stirs a passion in me. It makes it rather difficult to do anything, and I know doing nothing isn't helping my problem at all. But how do you convince yourself to go out and have "fun", when you know it won't feel fun?
All of this drove away Zell, I guess. She stopped talking to me some time ago, and has never tried to talk to me since. And I haven't tried to talk to her, because well, she really hurt my feelings, and gave me no indication that she wanted to save the friendship. I still wonder how she is, though. I can't see being welcome to drop in and ask, though. I just hope things have improved for her.
I don't know what I'd be doing if I hadn't found Eve. She is always here for me, offers so much support, someone manages to make me feel a little past this drowning numbness..
current mood:  apathetic
current music: Parabelle 'A Drop in the Ocean'
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| Thursday, May 28th, 2009
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7:26 pm - Perky
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Perk is finally starting to show her age. Nothing major, but it still breaks my heart. I want to still be in denial. I don't want to think about her being 13. She's been with me for a little over half of my life. I can't imagine losing her. I know it's silly to waste time thinking about such things, especially when it is only things that the average dog fed whatever garbage most people feed their dogs would have had cropping up years ago.
She is showing some stiffness in her hind legs. I've upped her joint supplement and starting adding yucca to her food a couple of times a week. She's already shown a little improvement, and does not seem to truly be in pain. She still jumps up on the couch without hesitation. She does not limp, whine, or have any trouble getting around. A less observant owner might not have even noticed it yet.
I just finished up a round of antibiotics for her second UTI ever, the first being in December. I do not like that she's suddenly gotten two. The vet wants to try her on an incontinence medication. She thinks the reason she still seems to need to go so suddenly is that rather than needing the extend the antibiotics. I'm not totally convinced, but I know part of it is also not wanting to believe that my baby girl could be having issues like that. That's an old dog problem. She's not old in my eyes, even knowing logically that she is.
current mood:  anxious
current music: Chevelle 'Straight Jacket Fashion'
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| Friday, January 16th, 2009
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10:15 pm
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I had to take in Streak and Smudge today to be put to sleep. RIP, my sweet little girls. You'll be very missed.
current mood:  sad
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| Sunday, January 4th, 2009
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6:46 pm - Eh ...
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I haven't posted here in forever. I won't even bother trying to backtrack on updates at this point.
Things are going.. alright for me, and horribly, at the same time. Heh. Life really is not that bad. I have at least a chance at becoming a groomer somewhere down the line. I have family that loves me. Still no friends in person, but several online that are great. Yet nothing moves me anymore. I feel like a robot sometimes. Happiness is almost nonexistent, other feelings are just hints of what they used to be. I don't know what's wrong with me. I guess I'm depressed.
I rarely get out of the house, because.. well, why? I hardly enjoy the things I used to. My motivation and focus have been sapped to the point that it takes a great deal of pushing for me to even do things I need to do. This plus my aversion to the phone doesn't make for an easy time of trying to find a way to get help, though. God, I hope I find a way to snap out of this soon...
This has become one big whine, but I guess that's what journals are for.
current mood: blank
current music: Breaking Benjamin 'So Cold'
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| Wednesday, March 5th, 2008
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2:45 am - Chase
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I never got around to updating on Chase here. I scheduled him for an echocardiogram since the vet thought he was going into heart failure. His heart, it turns out, is fine. However, she went on to look at his abdomen upon seeing the heart was okay, and found other problems. It is almost certain that Chase has lymphoma (cancer, for anyone that may not know what it is). Neither vet advises pursuing chemo with the shape he is in, and I probably couldn't find a way to afford it anyway, unfortunately. We are still having a lot of trouble getting him to eat, though the latest effort, diazapem (valium) is at least getting some response out of him. He's letting me feed him bits of food by putting it on my finger, then in his mouth. I've gotten a can of food into him over two days. He needs more than that, but considering he has eaten almost nothing for a week and very little for awhile before that, I'm afraid of overdoing it and giving him more than his body is ready to handle. I hate to say it, but I'm honestly not sure if the effort is worth it. He is going to die as the cancer spreads, and the most he can hope for is probably a couple of months. From what I've read, 6-8 weeks is about average after diagnosis without treatment. But my family isn't ready to let him go.
current mood: sleepy
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| Sunday, February 10th, 2008
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8:10 pm - Chase has gone back downhill...
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Chase isn't eating again.. he keeps throwing up his pills. Unless something by some miracle changes by tomorrow, I guess he'll be going back to the vet early. I'm really getting worried. I don't want to face the vet. It won't surprise me if she tells me to consider putting him down soon at this rate. If something doesn't change soon... well.. I will have to consider it. He's going to starve himself to death before whatever is wrong with him gets a chance to take him out. I'll probably end up having to leave him at the vet at the least. He was doing sooo well... He had gained nearly half a pound! If he could keep his pills down, maybe he'd go back to that. I just don't know. *sigh*
current mood: distressed
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| Wednesday, February 6th, 2008
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8:31 pm - Update on Chase
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I gave Chase his sub-Q fluids for the first time tonight. It went really smoothly, I didn't have any problems doing it. My mom and sister were helping out by holding him, and they were really squeamish about the needle. Chase didn't even flinch though. He's a good boy. His new pill is actually a lot harder on him than the fluids were. I have to give him 3 CCs of water after the pill, and he HATES that. The fluids and/or the new antibiotics and/or the appetite stimulant is making him feel a lot better, I think. He looks much perkier than he did just yesterday. He ate a little bit of wet food, and a good sized handful of some cheap dry I got to tempt him with (and because it was a very small kibble, hopefully easier for him to eat without teeth). I feel a lot more hopeful now than I did yesterday. If we can keep him eating, get him to gain some weight, he will have much better chances of coping with whatever his problem ends up being.
current mood:  cautiously hopeful?
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| Tuesday, February 5th, 2008
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10:17 pm - Ugh... just ugh.
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My day was.. horrible. And I shall whine here instead of bothering my friends with it.
I have no idea how I'm going to make it through two weeks of work with only Sundays off. So far it's only been two days and I am already burnt out. They've been an awful two days, I really wish I was going to be off tomorrow as usual. I had to wash a Husky that... I don't know if the poor thing has ever once seen a bath or a brush. It has to have been at least a year either way. It took me an hour, and I still didn't get out as much fur as I would have liked to. I pity the girl that was going to have to brush him out. I do wish I could have seen him afterward though. He already looked A LOT better. Too bad the owner will probably wait another year or two before bringing him back. Most of them do. As if that wasn't bad enough, for some reason most of the dogs wanted to bite me. None of them succeeded, but it was still awful. It makes everything a lot more difficult.
Of course, Chase's recheck at the vet makes the work day seem nice. The vet thinks he may have either a tumor in his chest or congestive heart failure, judging by the x-rays she took of his chest. You can barely see his heart in them. There are other possibilities... but they are real long-shots, those two are most likely. So I go from stressing over a stubborn UTI to... having to face the possibility my cat may not live much longer. I alternate between crying over it and denying it. I don't know what to do. It was such a shock. He just had x-rays not two months ago and his heart was nice and clear as it should be. Do I shell out tons of money confirming the diagnosis and working out medications and dealing with special diets when she didn't sound hopeful that it would even help him at this point? I don't make a lot of money, and as much as I don't want money to be a factor in whatever I decide, it has to be. It would be different if I knew it would help, but to go further into debt for something that doesn't? God.. I don't want to have to make these decisions.. I just want my boy to be alright. Somehow.
For now.. we are trying another antibiotic in hopes of getting his infection under control. His white count went up from the last time, so the first one obviously wasn't doing its job. He got sub-Q fluids at the vet, and I am to give him more at home for the next couple of days. That will be.. interesting. I'm pretty sure I can do it easily enough from what they showed me. But it won't be easy sticking my boy with a needle and making him sit there for it.
current mood: drained
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| Wednesday, January 30th, 2008
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2:57 am - Chase update
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So Chase is back from the vet. They said he actually ate while there, though he's yet to eat more than three bites of food at a time since coming home. I guess I'll have to go back and pick up some of the appetite stimulant if he's not doing better in the morning. But he IS hungry, he begs for food and gets excited when I put it down.. I think it's more the typical sickness he gets from antibiotics. The vet said she found "A TON" of bacteria in his urine. The old vet kept telling me there wasn't any. That is highly unlikely with how much she found. He has probably had this infection for awhile now, with the short courses of meds the other vet put him on never quite getting rid of it. She thinks it could be in his kidneys by now, which would explain one of the test results not coming out in the proper range. If that isn't the case, then his kidneys may not be working as well as they should. We're hoping it's just the infection. He is going to be on meds for probably 6-8 weeks. I might as well just start handing over my paychecks to the cat. Today's bill was $267.79, and we have rechecks, retests, and more meds to look forward to paying for during these upcoming weeks. Joy.
The power was out for awhile tonight. It was cold, and dark, and boring. I hate power outages. Thankfully, they got it working again a couple hours ago.
I think I get too attached to people when we get along well. I am really unhappy over the fact that I have not seen Cam online at all today and her screen name has been deleted. She planned to delete it, so that in itself is not worrying. But I really wish she would have emailed me to tell me she was doing it then, and given me the new one. Realistically, I am well aware it is just plain silly to be worried I won't see her again just because she is gone one night. But logic doesn't win over when I am stressed and depressed. I just.. really could have used the distraction and cheering up she provides so well tonight.
current mood: gloomy
current music: Saliva 'Always'
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| Monday, January 28th, 2008
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8:48 pm - Back to the vet ...
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Chase is back to not eating very well. I took him to a different vet finally, they actually had an open appointment for today. This vet (I can't remember her name now, I am awful with names) found a fairly high white count (which basically means he has an infection) and a heart murmur (! hopefully nothing serious... she wants to x-ray his heart at some point in the future). She was very concerned that he has lost so much weight, which I was happy for. I was getting so sick of the others just shrugging it off as nothing. She tested his blood pressure, which was good once he wasn't freaking out. She is keeping him overnight to try to get a urine sample, and to try to get him to eat with an appetite stimulant. I.. hated to leave him there. I felt like I was abandoning him. I know it's silly, but I cried all the way home. I won't even be able to pick him up until tomorrow afternoon, since I'll be stuck at work. I feel so awful. He's never been left overnight somewhere. I hope he does alright all by himself in that little cage.
current mood: worried
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| Sunday, January 20th, 2008
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9:18 pm
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My fishy died a couple of days ago. He was starting to show signs of dropsy. I doubt there's really anything I could have done for him anymore. The poor little guy.
I feel sort of like crying... It came on suddenly, for no apparent reason. I really do think I could be slipping toward depression. I don't know what to do about it. I've been out in the sun quite a bit helping out with kennel work for a few days, and I've only gotten worse. So I don't think it's lack of sunlight (SAD) like a few people have suggested to me. Talking to Cam cheers me up a lot. I hope the storms don't keep her away tonight.
current mood: blank
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| Wednesday, January 16th, 2008
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9:55 pm
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I am so irritable lately.. little stupid things just set me off. Or maybe irritable isn't fully the right word. Sometimes I get irritated, but sometimes I get upset, or just frustrated. My typical reaction to any of this is to just withdraw before I say something stupid or get more upset. Of course this ends up making certain people mad at me anyway. I just can't win. I don't know how I am supposed to react.
I'm going to be getting insurance through work, they just started offering it. It is very basic, though. It is good to have, in case something happens, but it won't cover a psychologist or anything like that.
current mood:  irritated
current music: Evans Blue 'Fear'
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| Thursday, January 10th, 2008
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10:29 pm - Eh...
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I haven't posted in so long.. but really, there's never much of anything to say here. It's not like I have a life. I'm still working at the same job that I really hate more often than not, the only difference is they combined their locations and I now work at the store that was closer to home. Well, and that puts me in a room with other people now, which I'm not entirely happy with. I don't like people trying to talk to me while I'm working. I just want to be lost in my own little world without worrying about people.
My little ratty Mischief died ... last month? I don't know what happened exactly. One day she was just a little under-the-weather, the next she was dying. I still have my two rescued girls, though, my Streak and Smudge. Streak is warming up to me finally, she will let me pet her if I don't come at her from above. Smudge just wants to nibble on my fingers. You still can't touch either through the bars, though, even long after I stopped feeding them treats through the bars. They still think FOOD! and chomp down if you dare to try.
My betta fish is sick, he has some sort of sore or something on his belly. I got some stuff to treat him with. I hope it works for him. It's only day two of treatment, so I can't tell yet if it is doing anything.
Chase has really been battling with the UTIs. He was having about one a month for awhile. The vet diagnosed him with cystitis, but didn't really give me any options for treating him other than antibiotics periodically for life. I put him on Cosequin, which is highly recommended by just about every "cat person" I talked to. So far so good, but he isn't gaining weight back as quickly as I'd like. I'm probably just being impatient, though. It takes time. We'll see the vet again in a month of so if he's still so bony, I suppose.
Everyone else is doing well. Perky is getting grayer in the face, which makes me a little sad. No one used to believe she was 11 (almost 12 now); now they comment on how old she must be. All from her face getting gray. I wonder if people get such drastic differences in comments when they start graying.
As for me.. I just don't know. My mood is all over the place lately. Sometimes I think I am slipping toward depression again, sometimes I feel "normal". More and more, I get frustrated and angry over the littlest things. I think I've just held everything in for so long that it's starting to leak out. My anxiety is sometimes worse, I think. Going into a store full of people near Christmas was hell. I've been toying with the idea of trying to see a therapist, but I don't know. I was dropped from my mom's insurance at the end of the year, so unless I can find something cheap, I just won't be able to afford it. If I can manage the fee for the "initial evaluation" at this one place, they said they would try to help me get onto state insurance. But I'm afraid to ask how much that would be, and I highly doubt I will qualify for anything. Everyone seems to want to cover children, pregnant women, and women with children. Sure those people need it, but what about the rest of us? Doesn't that just encourage people to have kids they can't afford? I don't think I'll ever understand people.
My role-play is my sanctuary, I guess. I can be happy for awhile when I lose myself in my character. Even just talking to the people I play with is really nice, though. I wish I could talk as comfortably around people face-to-face. In person, I have trouble with eye contact. I either avoid it altogether, or in an attempt to be more "normal", I force myself to keep eye contact, and end up staring. I stumble over my words a lot when I'm nervous, or sometimes my thoughts get ahead of me, or go off on some tangent, and I end up saying things at random that make no sense to people. I can talk until I bore people to tears when something comes up I am interested in, and I often do without noticing until afterward. Or my family especially complains that I have a tendency to sound like a know-it-all and get into lecture mode when I disagree with something. I don't mean to, I just do. Small talk is lost on me, so I jump to the things I know, the things I care about. I guess my only hope is finding someone with a lot of similar interests someday.
I feel like I'm whining and rambling too much.. so I'll end this now.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: Staind 'Mudshovel'
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| Wednesday, May 30th, 2007
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1:03 am - Oreo Update
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Unfortunately, it seems Oreo had something worse than a mere ear infection, probably a pituitary tumor. She passed away Monday afternoon.
current mood: sad
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| Friday, May 18th, 2007
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10:57 pm - Update on Oreo
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I took her to the other vet like I had planned, and by then she had a slight head tilt. This quickly became worse, and now her head has an obvious tilt to it and her balance is rather off. The poor girl just had to come up with an inner ear infection. So, the tumor removal is off until this is under control. She's been on antibiotics for a week now, first one, now two of them. Today we put her on prednisone as well, since she is still showing no improvement. So... hopefully this works. :/
current mood: worried
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| Wednesday, May 9th, 2007
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12:57 am - Another tumor..
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Now Oreo ratty seems to have a tumor. Just my luck, huh? Her prognosis should be much better than Skitter's was, though. It shows all the signs of being a benign mammary tumor, that should be easy to remove. I took her to the vet today, but was referred to another vet that was off today, so tomorrow she'll be going there. Well, technically today since it is after midnight. Both the girls are getting a little tubby. I'm trying to get a hold of some new, better for them, food, but the only pet store that carries that brand around here really sucks at getting orders in. It took them over a month, I think, to figure out that the reason they weren't getting in the food I needed for my guinea pig was because the company no longer sold that size. Pfft, one brief look into the reason it didn't ship should have told them that.
I went to the dentist for my cleaning last week. I have one cavity, joy. The fluoride treatment they gave me has given me a rather painful sore, too. No way am I following their constant advice to use fluoride rinses. I'd rather risk cavities than deal with the reaction.
Spook is still scratching herself up a fair bit. There haven't been any really bad new scratches, but she's keeping the old ones from healing up. I'm thinking about trying some yucca for Earnie's (one of the Cocker Spaniels) arthritis. The joint supplements have helped him a lot, but he still has some troubles when he's been laying down awhile, or jumps onto/off of something. Actual medications would be a last resort, with all the possible side-effects they carry. I'm very slowly working on a web page for the pets.
current mood: sleepy
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| Monday, April 23rd, 2007
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12:04 am - Finally made it over here...
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I kept meaning to come update, but I never got around to it, tsk tsk to me.
Perky's surgery went fine. She got her teeth cleaned, too. The pain meds really didn't do much for her, so she wasn't happy for a little bit, but everything healed up pretty quickly and now all that's left of it is some darker places under her armpits and some slightly shorter fur where it's growing back.
Graham had a seizure on the 16th. His bloodwork came back good, except for one slightly high liver enzyme the vet said was nothing to worry about. He hasn't had another one so far, so we're all hoping it was a one-time thing. He was just dozing beside me, then his legs start twitching and his head was moving oddly. It only lasted a couple of minutes, and in a few more he was back to normal, but man was it scary.
Skitter died last week. She was still eating and all right up to the night before, so I hope that means she still had quality of life 'till the end. Spook isn't too happy with her friend gone, and has been scratching herself up some. I hope she'll improve as she gets used to being alone.
With all the millions of pet food recalls, things have been a bit crazy. Chase's canned food was added to the list, so I had to search for something new to feed him. Finally I found out Fromm made canned cat foods, and ordered some through Total Canine Care. He absolutely loves it. He also really likes Evanger's Pheasant type. Neither are quite cheap, but it's great to see him eating so well again.
Everyone got their dry foods changed over to Blue Buffalo brand, and the results have been very nice. The dogs' coats are shinier than ever. Perk's shedding is down to almost nothing. The Cocker Spaniels' allergies are scarcely bothering them when normally they would be eaten up by now, and their coats are thicker and healthier than ever. So far I have been able to keep them on a feeding schedule, though my family is convinced I'm starving them, hah. The Cockers are certainly not starving, I don't think they've even managed to lose weight with all the scraps and treats they get. Perk has lost some, though she still needs to lose a bit more.
This has all been about the pets.. but well, I am boring. I did get a 50 cent raise at work, though with how sick I am of bathing dogs, it's hardly exciting. I've had a couple of nasty patches of dry skin that I just can't get rid of spending 5 days a week with my hands immersed in soapy water. Um. What else. I had to have two(!) root canals. They really weren't that bad, but expensive even with the insurance, and the antibiotics made me sick.
On a more positive note, I've been talking to Mina again recently, and that's been very nice. She is fun to talk to.
current mood: good
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| Monday, February 26th, 2007
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1:03 am - Just some updates
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Well, for anyone interested...
Skitter is still hanging in there. Her tumor has grown, but it doesn't seem to bother her still.
Perky is going to the vet on the 7th to have her teeth cleaned and two lipomas (fatty tumors, but very common in older, overweight dogs, and almost always benign) removed. One is in her armpit on her front leg and the other is close to under the other front leg. So these two have to go, since they could interfere with her movement as they grow. I'll have to ask for some pain pills for her. It won't be fun for her having stitches under both front legs.
I'm coming up on a year at my job.. this should mean a raise? I hope so. I am so not happy washing dogs every day. It really isn't bad, when there are mostly small dogs, and not so many of them, but I am not so lucky often.
On a more positive note, I got the Weiss Kreuz DVDs recently, and the FMA movie. Yay for more anime. Adult Swim has gotten rather stale with constant reruns. Except for Saturdays. Saturdays are good.
Well.. I should get to bed. I have this nasty habit of not going to bed until 12-1, when I get up at 6:30-7:30. Not good.
current mood: okay
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| Monday, January 29th, 2007
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9:55 pm - Poor Skit
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Skitter has a tumor on her belly, probably a mammory tumor. I noticed it on .. Friday night, and it's already noticeably larger. I took her to the vet today, but I just got the expected response. Most likely a tumor, too large for surgery to stand any significant chance of being helpful (though it probably wouldn't be too useful either way, mouse mammory tumors have a big tendency to be malignant and recurring). He gave me an antibiotic in case some of the size is actually infection, but after the big fight to get any remotely near her mouth tonight, I'm not sure I'll bother trying that again. The major stress it causes probably isn't worth it when the medicine isn't even likely to make a difference. So.. basically, I'm left with keeping her as happy as possible until it starts to affect her too much, then having her put down.
I'm worried about Spook, as well. Just about every time I've had one of a pair die, the second tries to follow. Hopefully she'll be okay. These two are very close. I took both to the vet so that they wouldn't get upset.
current mood: worried
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| Monday, January 22nd, 2007
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1:02 am
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It's been some time since I posted again. Not that I have much to say, anyway.
The lovebird eggs all hatched. So now we have 7 lovebirds in the house. I don't know if she's going to sell them or what. No one seems to want lovebirds, especially ones that were not hand-raised.
Perky easily graduated from her training classes. The Cocker Spaniels all got groomed last week. The rest of the pets are doing well, other than the usual ear infection for Oreo. Exciting, huh?
My left hand was tingly for half the day. I guess that's not the best sign as far as how my carpal tunnel is doing. Someday I'll figure out what new job I might actually be able to tolerate...
Well, um, I don't know what else to say. I really am that boring.
current mood: okay
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