InsaneJournal

Current mood:	contemplative
Current music:	Staind 'Mudshovel'

Eh...
I haven't posted in so long.. but really, there's never much of anything to say here. It's not like I have a life. I'm still working at the same job that I really hate more often than not, the only difference is they combined their locations and I now work at the store that was closer to home. Well, and that puts me in a room with other people now, which I'm not entirely happy with. I don't like people trying to talk to me while I'm working. I just want to be lost in my own little world without worrying about people.

My little ratty Mischief died ... last month? I don't know what happened exactly. One day she was just a little under-the-weather, the next she was dying. I still have my two rescued girls, though, my Streak and Smudge. Streak is warming up to me finally, she will let me pet her if I don't come at her from above. Smudge just wants to nibble on my fingers. You still can't touch either through the bars, though, even long after I stopped feeding them treats through the bars. They still think FOOD! and chomp down if you dare to try.

My betta fish is sick, he has some sort of sore or something on his belly. I got some stuff to treat him with. I hope it works for him. It's only day two of treatment, so I can't tell yet if it is doing anything.

Chase has really been battling with the UTIs. He was having about one a month for awhile. The vet diagnosed him with cystitis, but didn't really give me any options for treating him other than antibiotics periodically for life. I put him on Cosequin, which is highly recommended by just about every "cat person" I talked to. So far so good, but he isn't gaining weight back as quickly as I'd like. I'm probably just being impatient, though. It takes time. We'll see the vet again in a month of so if he's still so bony, I suppose.

Everyone else is doing well. Perky is getting grayer in the face, which makes me a little sad. No one used to believe she was 11 (almost 12 now); now they comment on how old she must be. All from her face getting gray. I wonder if people get such drastic differences in comments when they start graying.

As for me.. I just don't know. My mood is all over the place lately. Sometimes I think I am slipping toward depression again, sometimes I feel "normal". More and more, I get frustrated and angry over the littlest things. I think I've just held everything in for so long that it's starting to leak out. My anxiety is sometimes worse, I think. Going into a store full of people near Christmas was hell. I've been toying with the idea of trying to see a therapist, but I don't know. I was dropped from my mom's insurance at the end of the year, so unless I can find something cheap, I just won't be able to afford it. If I can manage the fee for the "initial evaluation" at this one place, they said they would try to help me get onto state insurance. But I'm afraid to ask how much that would be, and I highly doubt I will qualify for anything. Everyone seems to want to cover children, pregnant women, and women with children. Sure those people need it, but what about the rest of us? Doesn't that just encourage people to have kids they can't afford? I don't think I'll ever understand people.

My role-play is my sanctuary, I guess. I can be happy for awhile when I lose myself in my character. Even just talking to the people I play with is really nice, though. I wish I could talk as comfortably around people face-to-face. In person, I have trouble with eye contact. I either avoid it altogether, or in an attempt to be more "normal", I force myself to keep eye contact, and end up staring. I stumble over my words a lot when I'm nervous, or sometimes my thoughts get ahead of me, or go off on some tangent, and I end up saying things at random that make no sense to people. I can talk until I bore people to tears when something comes up I am interested in, and I often do without noticing until afterward. Or my family especially complains that I have a tendency to sound like a know-it-all and get into lecture mode when I disagree with something. I don't mean to, I just do. Small talk is lost on me, so I jump to the things I know, the things I care about. I guess my only hope is finding someone with a lot of similar interests someday.

I feel like I'm whining and rambling too much.. so I'll end this now.